Puzzle Piece Heart

I'm full of so many emotions at this time that I don't know where to start. so I thought this illustration was the best I could come up with. If you are keeping up with the episodes they call my life, you know I recently found out my biological dad whom I never knew died three years ago. I won't rehash the whole scenario. But suffice it to say that i thought the missing piece of my heart that only he could fill was going to be a permanent hole forever gaping and bleeding out. I couldn't have been more wrong. I found out I have three sisters and two brothers. Through the wonder that is Facebook, I reached out to them. I looked at what I could see of their pictures before you are granted access. For the first time in my life, even before I knew if they would accept me or not, I  felt like I belonged. I felt looking at their faces a familiarity I had never known. Though I love my mother and her side of the family, which consequently is the only side I've known, I never felt like I belonged. I felt like my mother's perpetual sin staring them constantly in the face reminding them of my mother's failures and their own.  I felt like the mistake. I never fully felt accepted. My grandmother is Japanese and I always sort of thought she loved me out of duty and took care of me when my mother wasn't around out of that same duty. I love her very much, but I never felt really truly loved. I lived under the shadow of my mother's mistakes. I felt like a mistake my whole life. 

I started my own family hoping to fill that hole. But though I loved them it never filled it. I thought my husband would fill that part of me that ached so badly to be accepted and loved and never, ever left. I found that he did not. I found that marriage falling apart because of it. Because it was never for the right reasons probably that I was with him. I searched to fill that hole with every relationship I've ever had. I had severe abandonment issues because I felt like my dad didn't want me, my mom didn't want me but supposedly loved me. My mom's side of the family, well, they just never really made me feel like family once I got past the age of six. That's when  I tore their world apart by accusing my step grandfather of sexual abuse. Like a six year old would be manipulative and smart enough to come up with something that devious. None of them believed me. My mother believes me now. I dont' know what my brother and my cousins believe. My Aunt seemed to be the only one on my mother's side of the family who had her act together. But still I didn't feel loved like I should. I never felt accepted. No matter what I did I was the mistake, everything I did was wrong.

I didn't really know how to put into words until today that I wasn't looking for the perfect dad, I wanted MY dad. All I ever wanted was for him to love me and want me in this world. Now I find out that I have siblings. I have my oldest brother Bill Jr, who I guess grew up like me not knowing our father until he was 22. I have my brother Charlie, my sister Rose, My sister Ashley, and my sister Casey. All of them have my last name except Charlie. I'm not sure why. I haven't gotten that far yet. But I found out that they have always known about me. Dad apparently talked about me a lot. Suddenly the void in my heart got just a little smaller. And as I looked at their pictures one by one, I finally FINALLY F I N A L L Y, looked at them and felt like I belonged. Truly and completely belonged. They all look like me. They look beautiful. I saw this without knowing if they were going to know of me, accept me, or see me just as my parent's indescretion. I was so much more than that and I just needed them to give me a chance. I stated in each of my seperate tentative yet hopeful messages that although none of us asked to be here, that didn't mean that we couldn't care for each other. So I hopefully and fitfully waited to see what they each individually would say when they read my messages.

But to my surprise they all knew about me. For the first time in my life my name meant something. It wasn't just a disconnected name after someone I never knew, or knew that cared for me. I don't know where this is going. But something in me says this is the right direction. This is where I should be. Just to know that I was thought of, talked about, and maybe even loved was one of the most profound things I've ever felt so far in my life.I look at each of their faces on their profiles and I see me, I see parts of me. And I realize that the big huge hole Dad left in my heart was comprised of smaller pieces, and on each of those pieces were names. Bill, Charlie, Rose, Casey and Ashley. And no other piece would fit there. I'm not sure if this fills in all the spaces that were empty. But it's one hell of a start. I'm a sister. I have sisters and brothers! I am an Aunt? I am an Aunt! I have so many different emotions raw and raging through me. So much chaos. But out of chaos life was born, and out of that love is found. And out of that I may have found where I belong, found my roots. And for the first time I feel like I've come home.

Ashley

Bill

Casey

Charlie

Rose

Who knew the puzzle piece with my dad's name in it was comprised of so many other smaller but important pieces. These pictures are what those puzzle pieces that were missing are. Those of you who know me, look at these beautiful people, and tell me that I don't belong? Am I right or am I right? 

Even if they don't all love me, and I'm hoping if they don't they will, I love them. for at least showing me what was missing that for so many years I searched so desperately for even though I never knew exactly what it was I was missing.

 I love you guys.